


Where You Burn, I Burn

by sallyamongpoison



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, M/M, Self Loathing, some spoilers for Caleb's back story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 03:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16526867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallyamongpoison/pseuds/sallyamongpoison
Summary: In which, after telling Fjord the harrowing secret of his past, Caleb is surprised to not only be accepted but given a gift he never expected to receive.





	Where You Burn, I Burn

The room was silent, save for the occasional crackle of a candle as it sputtered and died. It was dim, too, a testament to how long they’d been sitting there. Caleb’s throat was dry, which was odd considering his face was not. Blue eyes were rimmed red and puffy, wet, and tears fell heavily down his cheeks. Yet his throat was dry. He’d been talking for what felt like hours, and his voice had slowly fallen to a whisper.

His chest ached. his heart pounded so hard in his chest that he wondered if maybe he might die from it. Did a broken heart beat double? Did as many fragments as were left in chest pound in discord until it felt like his lungs couldn’t hold the pieces in anymore? Every time, no matter how often, it felt like he was dying. No cleric, regardless of how accomplished Jester or Caduceus was, could heal that. And he wouldn’t ask them to. There was nothing that could, and if there was Caleb couldn’t ask for it. Not from someone else. Only him. He had to be the one to right that wrong, and heal himself. Alone. Not even Nott could heal that pain or take it from him.

A slow, ragged breath sucked into his lungs. Caleb was shaking. He was always shaking. He looked out into the relative darkness and saw not the tavern room he sat in, but the Past. Always the Past. The Past and the fire and screaming, and he felt the anger burning in him just as much now as he did then. And the heartbreak. And the fear. There was always the fear. The fear that he…that he…

“…I’m a monster…”

The words were hardly audible. Soundless. A breath. An admission that only he could make. Other might tell him the same, but it hardly mattered. Caleb knew it all to well and the word beat inside his chest as punctuation to every fractured heartbeat. All day, every second of every moment of every hour, it beat inside of him. Always. 

For the longest time he was alone in that room. There was nothing save himself and the memories. That was the worst. Even in a room full of people he would be alone with naught but himself and the self loathing that lived inside of him. Despite the fact that he burned with the remembered heat and heat of his own hatred, it left him cold. Alone. Wanting. The word ‘regret’ wasn’t strong enough. There were too many regrets to name, and Caleb could fill volume after volume of them. No…this was something else. Something darker and angrier and more lonely than anything he could have ever conceived of.

Had he ever been that righteous child? The one so full of conviction? He could hardly remember what that felt like anymore. Like regret, the word ‘amends’ couldn’t scratch the surface of what he felt he had to do. Atonement, too, was far too soft. He was alone in that. Had been, and always would be.

Then the world came back into focus. He swallowed hard as the mattress shifted beside him. There was a body there. It had waited patiently as he spoke, sat still and quiet, and now it moved only just enough to let him know that someone else was there. The burning in his blood ebbed, and another kind of warmth touched his skin. It was the warmth of someone beside him. It was the warmth of skin near his own. 

“You’re not a monster.”

Those words, spoken in a low tone that vibrated at just the right level that Caleb could feel it deep inside his bones, made him ache. His jaw clenched, and blue eyes squeezed closed as more tears streamed down his face. That lilt, that strange accent that was so unlike his own, touched him. It had since the moment he’d heard it, and he’d spent so long fighting it that to hear it now was almost just as painful as the words he’d said.

“Look at me.”

He didn’t want to. Caleb couldn’t open his eyes. If he did then he’d be faced with the grim set expression and stony eyes that he always knew would look at him if he said a word. Disgust. Abhorrence. Fear. He knew. Oh, he knew that every single one of those things would be written on a face that he couldn’t stand to see twisted in hate. In betrayal. 

“No,” Caleb whispered, “…I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

Then there was a hand on his shoulder and the mattress shifted again. The weight beside him was gone, and Caleb knew the body beside him had moved. Yet the hand on his shoulder remained. One hand on one, then another on his other shoulder, and Caleb squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. No, he couldn’t open them. He couldn’t look. Save Nott, this was the one face he couldn’t stand to see look at him like that. His already fractured heart would shatter, and what else could there be then?

“Caleb,” that voice said, and the sound of his name sent shivers up his spine, “look at me.”

His lips trembled as he fought to breathe. Sucking in air was the hardest thing at the moment, and he shook his head once as his hands clenched into a fist. No. No, he couldn’t.

“Please,” the voice said. Softer now, and while not begging there was something under the surface there. Concern, perhaps? Hurt? That would make sense, wouldn’t it? Caleb hurt those he cared for most just be existing, didn’t he? And now he hurt someone else because he couldn’t do something as simple as opening his eyes. 

He swallowed hard again, and his jaw ground back and forth until he could feel his teeth creaking under the pressure. A shuddering breath, then two, and he licked his dray lips as blue eyes fluttered open to meet yellow ones. They were looking right at him, and something wasn’t at all right.

There was no hatred. Those yellow eyes weren’t slitted in anger. They were wide open and honest, and trained on his own. If anything, they were perhaps a bit wetter and redder than Caleb had seen them in a long time. That had to be a mistake. This whole thing had been a mistake, but the sheer openness and care that stared back at him was the biggest one. That was wrong. It wasn’t…it wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

“You’re not a monster,” Fjord said evenly, and Caleb turned his face away as though he’d been struck.

One clenched fist raised quickly, stayed hovering near his shoulder like an archer’s hand on an arrow, until his moved to grip at Fjord’s wrist. He meant to wrench that hand off of him, but Fjord didn’t move, and Caleb just held on so that he could have one more point of contact. He could feel Fjord’s pulse in his wrist, fluttering just under the surface of his skin, and he noted that the heartbeat he felt pulsed as wildly as his own.

“I am…Fjord, I am…”

“You’re not.”

“Don’t be stupid-”

“Don’t fight me on this. Understand me?” Fjord said sternly, “Just…look at me, alright? Look. At. Me.”

So he did. He took in the chiseled features that he’d come to know so well. Caleb let his eyes move over the scars and marks that he’d studied so often. He could even tell that Fjord hadn’t filed his teeth judging by the way his lower lip jutted out that little bit more than usual. It made those already very fine looking lips look more full somehow. He studied the way Fjord’s jaw was set, though not in rage, and how his gaze never faltered. He studied the way his hair, more grown out now than when they’d met what felt like a lifetime ago, fell across his forehead. There was no rage. No anger. No betrayal.

Just…concern. Care. Something warm despite the resolution in his eyes.

“You’re not a monster, Caleb,” Fjord repeated, and Caleb could feel the way those fingers dug into his shoulders. For a moment he was glad that there were no claws to draw blood. It was still a bit of pain, though it kept him grounded. In the moment. It gave him focus. “Say it.”

“No.”

He sighed, and Fjord shook his head, “You’re not. I know you….carry all of this all the time. It’s always there. I can see it. But you’re not a monster. This you that’s right here in front of me? Not a monster. Not even close.”

“How can you say that? After everything I’ve done…”

“You’ve saved me. You came and rescued us. You’ve…done shit that you hated just because we asked you too. That’s not a monster, Caleb, alright?” Fjord told him, “you’re not.”

Caleb shook his head again, “You don’t know what it’s like…having to live with it. Having to live it over and over again, and it doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with. It’s always there. It’s just… _there_.”

“But you’re not there alone.”

That gave him pause, and he looked back up into those yellow eyes. Slowly, he took in a bit more. He took in the strong hands that held his shoulders. He took in the muscled arms and shoulders and bare chest before him. He took in that face, the face he’d tried so hard not to dream of when he could manage to daydream about better things, and how it looked at him. He took in that heartbeat. All of it. He took in all of it.

“I can’t ask you to walk this with me,” Caleb breathed.

Fjord shook his head, “You’re not. And I’m not even offering.”

“Then what-”

“I’m telling you that I am. No arguments. Where you walk, I walk. Where you…burn, I burn.”

That hand that was wrapped around Fjord’s wrist gripped tighter, and his other lifted to cover Fjord’s other wrist. Caleb just breathed. He let it sink in, and he could hardly believe it. Maybe this was a dream? Maybe he’d conjured this all up after a night of falling into bed together after one too many drinks in the tavern. It had happened before. He’d be a fool to hope that this was real.

Then his hands slid upward: along the muscled arms and along strong shoulders, his palms pressed against Fjord’s neck before they came to rest covering his cheeks. He cupped Fjord’s face. Held it. He held it like Fjord held his shoulders. And they were still looking at one another. He hadn’t turned away. He refused to.

“You’re not alone, Caleb,” Fjord said, “just…repeat that much. Over and over again. Until you believe it.”

He couldn’t make his voice work. His throat was dry, tongue thick, and the burning in his eyes made them tear all over again. That discord rhythm of his heart beat double, and Caleb just gently brushed his fingers across Fjord’s cheekbones.

“I’m not alone,” he said softly, then took a deep and shaky breath, “you’re not alone.”

Fjord nodded, “You’re not alone.”

“Where you walk…I walk.”

“And where you burn, I burn.”

Caleb pulled him in until they were forehead to forehead. He threw his arms around Fjord’s shoulders, and for a for a moment he thought he might start sobbing. But he didn’t. Not now. And not when he felt those strong arms wind around him until they were pressed together chest to chest. Their hearts beat together, and Caleb just let out the breath he’d been holding.

“Where you burn…I burn.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been down with a kidney infection for a bit and what better way to kill time than write some angst? We'll be back to our regularly scheduled pining after I finish my round of antibiotics.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr! @sallyamongpoison


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